October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I have decided to share my experience to help other women through what can be the hardest and most confusing time in their life. Losing a pregnancy is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, And I really truly mean that, My family went through a lot of heartache and pain that many don't know about. I didn't share because for some reason, sharing things like this is unheard of. Society acts as though us women should just 'man up', bounce back and not be phased by the fact that our family is without one person that could have been there. A child that could have grown up in our home. A baby that could have learned to roll over, sit up, smile, stand on their own and clapped their hands in our living room. A toddler that would have learned to use the bathroom, picked up their toys and ran to their daddy everyday when he came home. A child that would have celebrated Christmas with us with that same sparkle and happiness as their siblings, ripping their presents open. A teen that would have discovered their new found loves and favorite hobbies. Late night school projects, studying for tests, rebellious adventures, prom nights, first dates..I wanted to witness it all. But I couldn't. I never will. I learned that a lot of us women don't discus our experiences and true feelings about miscarriage because if we do, we are labeled as "look at me, look at me, I need attention". So I have decided to share because I promised to share things that are hard for me. I believe that if they were hard for me, chances are they are hard for someone else. I don't want them to feel they are alone. I don't want you to feel you are alone.
I want to start by just admitting that my husband and I were not actively trying to have another baby. We were 110% content with our two boys and were very happy with where we were at in our lives. The thought of another child made me cringe. Gosh, that makes me cry. The second I missed my period, I was like "what in the actual fuck is going on?". I can't be pregnant. Todd made me take a test after a few days. I was pregnant. I didn't get scared and hope that we were ready. I didn't jump and hug Todd with excitement. I cried. I cried because I didn't want this baby. I was in a wedding for my best friend in a few short months. I was happy with my body for once in a long time. I wasn't ready to endure another terrifying cesarean birth and to be honest, I didn't know if Todd and I could handle another baby. We were officially going to be outnumbered. I was constantly talking myself down. Why were you so careless Trissa? News flash, you have had two kids. You know how this works!!! I was being completely selfish and cruel. I was dwelling in the thoughts of, "no beer for you!!! Get ready to hate your body again!" Todd was upset with me, I could tell. He never said anything though. Todd is just an amazing person. Really. He believes all babies are a blessing, planning or not. I wanted to think like he did. I wanted to want this baby but I just couldn't. I felt like such a terrible person. I couldn't even qualify myself as a loving mother. I called my best friend and balled to her because I felt bad that I wouldn't be able to "go hard" on her bachelorette party or at her wedding. I felt like I had let her down. She pretty much said the same thing as Todd. She made me feel so much better about it. I love you Madison.
All of these feelings completely VANISHED the second that doctor told me they couldn't hear or see a heartbeat. I think that's what made this whole thing that much harder. I went from being selfish and self-centered, worrying about booze and gaining weight, to quickly realizing what a mistake my thoughts had been the weeks prior. I am here to tell you that if you have experienced a miscarriage, it is fucking hard and I understand your confusion, frustration and sadness. I have felt that feeling of complete hopelessness and that guilt as though I had to have been the one who did or ate something wrong. Our bodies were made and created to carry and nurture a child. We were designed to keep them safe and warm. The disappointment in my ability to keep that pregnancy was substantial. I immediately apologized to God for all of the sins I had committed. I begged him, on my knees, with tears rolling down my face to just let that baby's heart beat. I just needed to hear it beat. I was blind to my blessing. I sobbed for forgiveness and promised to never disappoint him again. I promised to love that baby more than I had ever loved anything in my entire life. I spent my work lunch hours, sobbing in my car, parked in the church parking lot. I spent countless hours on the internet researching beneficial foods to eat that helped heart development. I watched my boys talk and play, suddenly realizing what miraculous miracles they were. I swore to be the best mom in the entire universe. I prayed every chance I could. And I cried and cried and cried.
That first ultrasound and terrible words "missed miscarriage" rang over and over in my head. The second that doctor said the word 'miscarriage', my brain shut off and my mind was instantly removed completely from that ER room. I couldn't find my feelings. I remember asking myself, "what am I even feeling? This guy has to be wrong". I literally couldn't decide if I was sad or mad. My breath was heavy and my chest was tight. I felt like my air was being restricted and my mission as a mother was literally leaving me by the second. My own mother was with me when I first heard the word miscarriage. I saw tears fill her eyes and her calm face sympathize for me. I held everything inside like I always had before. I wanted nothing and no one else but my boys. I wanted to squeeze those two as if life had stopped altogether. As if money wasn't a necessity, confrontation didn't exist and only as if love and compassion ran true through everyone's veins. I craved those little hands hugging tight around my neck, never to let go.
As you can imagine, blood tests are just apart of the incredibly exhausting process. In my situation, I had to complete a week long series of blood work appointments and ultrasounds because my pregnancy hormone levels were still increasing everyday. My second ultrasound had shown our baby had grown substantially since the first. I was on the biggest emotional roller coaster of my entire life. I was mourning and waiting for my body to pass my unborn child one day and the next, I wake up with the possibility to carry my severely undeveloped baby. I went to every single appointment alone. I felt like it was my fault and with tears rolling down my face as I type this, I told myself I deserved to deal with this alone. Because I MUST have done something to hurt this innocent baby inside of my body. This was my punishment for all of my selfish and senseless thoughts. I didn't know specifically what I did but I was convinced this was my fault and my fault only. I thought of my amazing husband and his loving words, "Babe, why are you crying? It's our baby. It's going to be fine." I had let him down. That baby was going to lose the opportunity to be that amazing man's child. I constantly felt compelled to apologize to him but I was so ashamed, the words never came out.
I remember the day that doctor called me with results saying he did not want to do surgery if this was a "viable" pregnancy, My heart was heavy but hopeful. They still could not detect a heart beat but my body was not rejecting this pregnancy and our baby appeared to be growing. I immediately went out and bought 10 cans of kidney beans. I had read online that kidney beans helped heart development in unborn babies. I went home, and ate those beans so fast and frequently that I nearly threw up multiple times.
I prayed every second. And I really mean that. My mind was constantly with the Lord praying for forgiveness for everything I had ever done wrong in my life. I was completely out of it and walked my home and work life as a zombie. I stayed inside, drank so much water and sat down as much as possible. I asked my immediate family to pray for my baby in hopes God would give him/her a chance. I was trying to show God how much I wanted this baby, how grateful I was to be a mother and how serious I was about never letting him down again.
That is when my body felt nauseous and I was immediately running a fever. I was strictly directed to call the doctor if this happened. After I called my doctor, I was directed to pack an over night bag and head to the hospital immediately for observation. I did not know this but a women's body can get a very fast acting and life or death infection while miscarrying a baby. I was directed by the nurse to not stop for anything and make it to the hospital as quickly as possible. I, of course, immediately called my husband and told him what was going on. I called my mom in a state of panic. I don't even remember what I said to her because I was so terrified.
That entire car ride was full of prayer and panic. I could barely see the road because of the constant flow of tears filling my eyes. I prayed for peace. I prayed for a healthy baby. I prayed for positive results and that this was just a false alarm. I stayed the night in the hospital and the next morning the surgery was complete. A D&C was necessary because my hormone levels had dropped significantly and my body was not rejecting the pregnancy naturally. Basically my body was in danger of this severe and dangerous infection. The definition of a D&C, in my situation, is absolutely debilitating. Dilation and curettage (D&C) is a brief surgical procedure in which the cervix is dilated and a special instrument is used to scrape the uterine lining. This still makes me sick to my stomach to read.
I remember waking up from recovery and being wheeled back into my hospital room. I felt empty. I felt completely stripped, helpless and weak. All I could do was hold that tiny knit hat the nurse gave me and cry. The nurses asked me if I was okay with being in the postpartum level for recovery. I immediately said yes because that's just what I do. I watched my nurse wheel out the empty mobile newborn bed. I listened to the lullaby chime every time a newborn was welcomed into this world. I listened to crying babies in the hallways. I watched breast pumps wheeling past my door. I listened to visitors visiting the new mom in the room beside mine. A part of me was gone. Forever.
Of course I had some family members and my husband there for support but to be honest, I wanted nothing more than to just be left alone. In that moment, I felt I needed to keep it together for them because I thought that's what I was suppose to do in front of people. Suck up all that emotion and carry on without a care in the world. Let me just tell you that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to tell someone you need your space. It's okay to feel how you feel in this moment right now. Your feelings are feelings and they matter. I went home and cried more than I had ever cried in my entire life. I turned my phone off so many times. I avoided the public and the last thing I wanted to do was go back to work.
After the surgery was complete, I was back to work and my depression was skyrocketing. My marriage was super hard, my job was on the line from all the complications and missed days for unexpected appointments and I was emotionally exhausted. I looked at my boys often and decided that I didn't deserve to be their mother. I was super sick and tired of hearing, "It probably just means something was physically wrong with the baby. Everything happens for a reason." My face was calm and sometimes my head nodded but inside I was screaming. "I don't give a fuck if something was wrong with my baby, I would have loved and cared for that baby no matter what." I still have no doubt in my mind that that baby would have been so incredibly loved that happiness would be all he or she would know. But now I also have no doubt in my mind that God's plan is God's plan and that was his plan, whether I like it or not.
I was too depressed and messed up to even try to explain to my 5 year old son that he was not going to have his baby he wanted so bad. He had colored up pictures to announce the arrival to grandparents and was so excited. Dax was only 2 years old so he obviously had no idea what was going on. So, I decided to not tell Bo. I thought I would just cross that bridge when I got there. That bridge came on a really stressful day after work, a fight with Todd earlier that morning and my head just barely above the depression waters. I asked Bo how his day went, like everyday, and he immediately said, "Mom our baby is taking forever. When is it coming?" I felt my eyes swell with tears and my heart break inside. I frailly said "Buddy, the baby isn't coming anymore." He paused and said, "Why?" I replied with "The baby is in heaven with God and will live up there now." That was the first time I had talked about the baby out loud since surgery. My throat tightened and with everything I had, I held my tears in. Bo immediately started hysterically crying and screaming at me. He was kicking the back of my seat yelling, "You said we were keeping the baby! I don't want a heaven baby! Go back and get it!" If you know Bo, his heart is sensitive and he is so smart. My heart ached for his pain and tears rolled down my face. I parked the car and explained to my 5 year old son that the baby would wait for us in heaven and was having so much fun. I told him that sometimes, sad things happen. I talked about how the baby would have friends up there, so much candy and a million bottles of chocolate milk. Thankfully, he was okay with that answer and from then on referred to that baby as our heaven baby. I on the other hand, crumbled more inside.
I think about our heaven baby often. Was our baby a he or she? Would she have loved to sing or dance? Would he have loved tractors or football? I will never know. We will never know. But I thank that baby in my prayers almost every day and night that he/she made me a stronger woman and mom. I have never felt more close to God than I did during that process. I loved him immensely for my 2 healthy boys. I thanked him for every single person in my life, by name. Even though I was pissed off and incredibly annoyed with this path I was put on, I was still talking to him. I was still going to him for guidance. He was still there with me.
I can now try my absolute best to help other women during such a trying and difficult time in their lives because I lived out my situation. This experience will forever hurt my heart. Living through this and taking it day by day made me stronger. And that's what helped me. Praying and living through it all. The more I shut out my feelings. The more I covered them up to make others comfortable around me, the worse my depression got.
I promise, things get better over time because YOU become stronger. Don't let anyone tell you when the grieving "stops". Don't hide from those feelings. I know just as well as the next gal, that hiding these feelings will only make things worse. Girl, if you need to cry, you need to cry. My only suggestion is to not let yourself stay there. Try going for a walk. Try surrounding yourself with family or friends. Go out dancing with your siblings. Do SOMETHING. My heart is with you and I pray all the time for other mommy's to find peace in such a dark time. Mommy to mommy; it's really not your fault.
Things that helped me:
1. Listening to HAPPY music.
2. Talking to my loyal best friend ABOUT MY MISCARRIAGE.
3. Reading the hospital pamphlets.
4. Spending as much time as possible with my boys. (This was hard for me at first. It got better).
5. Praying. I didn't know how to pray. But starting is starting. He doesn't mind. Just start talking.
6. Going to a therapist. **Side note: You don't need to be sad to see a therapist. I believe it's healthy for everyone to go.
7. I went to my late cousin's grave site 2-3 times a week. When praying was hard or when I was frustrated with God, it helped to go talk to her.
8. Hugging Todd. And I don't just mean hugging and going on with your day. I mean open your arms as big as possible and just hugging for at least 30 seconds. It seems like a long time, and tears might develop but I promise, it helps.
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