On October 12th, 2013, I married a man who changed my life in the most incredible way. I was newly 21 years young and even after a year of planning, I was still shocked that he wanted to live the rest of his life with ME. My whole life I never thought I deserved anything or anyone spectacular. I wouldn't be the first person to tell you that my husband is nothing less than spectacular. I always looked down at myself as a young, growing women. I was constantly critiquing my body, my dreams and my goals. I was super hard on myself growing up, physically and mentally. But, I'll save that for another post. I never ONCE described myself as any of the adjectives Todd used to described me. The first time he called me beautiful, I instantly wanted to resist and scream "LIAR" in his face. So, when the man I loved with my entire being asked me to marry him, I almost asked him, "Are you sure?",
I remember my thoughts the night before our wedding day. I was excited to see all of my friends and family at my big day. I couldn't wait to crack a beer, take too many shots and dance the night away with some of the closest people in my life. Todd and I had been anticipating our big day for an entire year and to be honest, we discussed more than once how we were more excited for the 'big party' than the actual ceremony itself. But the second I opened my eyes on that Saturday morning, the nerves, the anxiety and the "what ifs" consumed me. I immediately started freaking out inside. Todd was too good for me. It was plain as day. He was hard working, hilarious, silly and most importantly, hot as hell... I'm only joking a little. But seriously, I could barely keep my emotions contained. What if I wasn't a good wife? What if I'm not the person he thinks I am? What if I ruin his life and he becomes super miserable?! What if he regrets ever asking me to be his wife? I CAN'T EVEN COOK. I hate cleaning. I will be the first to tell you I'm not the most tidiest person you will ever meet. I am also one of those gals that throws all different colored articles of clothing into the washing machine, new or old, and hopes for the best. I AM GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE WIFE! Shit...I wouldn't blame him if he didn't even show up.
My entire life, I doubted everything I did and I just couldn't believe this handsome and already amazing father to our son (yes, I was already a mom at 21) wanted me. And I literally couldn't find a SINGLE reason why he should stick around and follow through with this huge commitment. But the show must go on. I remember being so excited and giddy as I gathered all of my things and made my way to the hair salon to begin the big hair appointment. YOU GUYS. I was straight up losing my mind the second I walked in. I anxiously watched everyone carrying bags of makeup, clothes, hair accessories, bridesmaid dresses and anything else you can think of into Michelle's shop. My gut was turning. I was so nervous that I was on the verge of throwing up and couldn't even comprehend what the plans were for the next hour. I was trying to remember all of the instructions and directions we were given at the church rehearsal the night before. That's when my extreme form of my anxiety showed it's ugly face. For other situations, it's usually much more fear for my own safety or terrible things happening to my family. Today, I was CERTAIN I would fall on my face. I was 1000% positive. It was one of the many reasons why I chose to wear cowboy boots for my wedding besides the fact they're excellent shoes to wear while heavily intoxicated. They decreased the odds of me tripping and busting my face in front of a couple hundred people. I remember looking around and seeing all of my family and friends smiling in excitement and pure happiness. I hugged my beautiful mother and thought to myself, "Trissa. Breathe. You can get through this."
I remember having one conversation with my now mother in law before Todd and I got married. I don't know if she remembers but it is one of many memorable conversations I have had with her. I was basically crying to her about how much I loved her son. With tears in her eyes, she told me that every time my father in law walks in the room, she gets butterflies. If they weren't already together, she anticipated his arrival. And in that moment, I couldn't relate enough. That's EXACTLY how I felt about Todd. My dad always said that you should be obsessed with your spouse. You should love and care for them like that. Todd is always good at making me feel secure when my anxiety tries to rob me of that happiness. Sometimes I need to hear, "Babe, shut up. I really love you. Okay?" Todd is always super good at this.
It was my turn to get all dolled up. Hair first. I sat down in the chair, looking around at all the people running around for me.
That's when Michelle (the hair stylist) said, "So Trissa, tell me about Todd."
My heart sank and I felt my face tense up. I felt my stomach twist and turn. I immediately tried forcing the tears and emotions back into my body. Kind of like that time my dad said "no" to buying me an ice cream cone and I wanted to cry so bad. But I held it in with everything I had because I knew if I cried, my chances of ever getting that ice cream would disappear completely. (Side note: Dad bought me that ice cream. But looking back now, I'm pretty sure he was going to anyway for the simple fact he wanted one too.) This time was different. I couldn't hide the nervous feelings or the love I felt for Todd inside me anymore. That whole morning was a struggle in and of itself. How was I supposed to keep it together when she asked me to talk about him? I instantly started to cry. All I could say was "he is super great and I just really love him."
Fast forward to moments before I was about to walk down the aisle. Let me just remind you that even after the fun "reveal" between Todd and I at pictures, I was still incredibly paranoid that he secretly didn't want me. That maybe after seeing me walk down the aisle, he would change his mind and start running out of the church. I remember holding my dad's arm tight and sweating like I had never sweat before (my poor dad). That's when I saw everyone in attendance stand and heard the traditional music, "Here Comes The Bride", play from a live violin performance in the balcony. I cringed when my dad said, "ready?" We started walking and I was instantly overwhelmed by all of the people that showed up. I hated being the center of attention and in that moment, that's exactly what I was. Then I looked up and saw Todd staring at me with that super attractive smirk on his face, AND HE WAS STILL STANDING THERE. He didn't look miserable, unhappy or full of regret. He wasn't walking or running out of the church. He was still standing there in his white tux, fresh haircut and again, handsome smile, watching me walk forward. At that moment, I instantly started crying. Not that cute and happy cry you see beautiful brides do when walking down the aisle on their big day.. but "on the verge of bawling" because I was so relieved and incredibly grateful that he actually wanted me. That is when it hit me. I immediately realized in that moment, that I was going to walk out of this church, in about 25 minutes, as Mrs. Todd Bottorff.
(This picture was taken on a phone so the quality isn't great. But you get it.)
Despite all of my near mental breakdowns over all the fearful things I was certain would happen, I had an amazing day. I bawled like a baby dancing with my dad, sang to my husband during our first dance (that was a big one for me), and was so drunk that I don't remember my husband puking on my wedding dress or dancing to the Boots Scootin' Boogie, which I'm still mad about. This day was one of the happiest days of my entire life. Yes, I struggle greatly from anxiety and depression and I know a lot of women that have a common feelings during such a big event like this, but I hope to shed light on other women in future posts. Even though I felt super alone, vulnerable and weak, I came out on top. So can you girl. So can you. If he says he loves you, he loves you. He chose you.
I just need to thank my amazing and incredibly wonderful husband for loving me through all my breakdowns, outbursts and hurtful words. We have been married for 5 years this week and while writing this, I'm smiling and watching you laugh at Facebook videos next to me on the couch. Todd, this is for you. I want to thank you for always making me feel beautiful and sexy even when I didn't feel it. Thank you for loving me with no makeup. Thank you for loving me even after all the fights and arguments I started. Thank you for loving me after seeing me in my most vulnerable and unattractive state after having our three children via c-section. Thank you for answering all of those calls when I was mid anxiety attack. Thank you for checking and locking all of the doors, twice, for me when my anxiety was keeping me up at night. Thank you for always getting out of bed to check things out in the middle of the night after waking you up because I thought I heard someone walking around upstairs. Thank you for always striving to work your hardest for our family. Thank you for making it so possible to graduate college. Thank you for supporting me when I wanted to be a fitness coach. Thank you for loving me no matter what. Thank you for making loving you so damn easy. Let's face it, I won't ever be able to thank you enough for all the things you do for me and our children. But I hope you know I love you with my whole being and I'll never stop. Thank you for everything.
xoxo
Tris
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